|what a complicated mess
||[Sep. 7th, 2007|08:21 pm]
Well....it has been a long time since I've writen in here, and things have definetly changes. I don't think that I have ever been so busy in my entire life. I have had days where every minute is planned and I go straight from one thing to another...and its crazy. I have broken down a couple times...i'm just wiating for this mentor thing to definetly quite down and not be so stressful, which people said it will soon. but then i have my job, classes, working out and actually having a life. i almost took on another job as a swim coach, and i really really wanted to do it, but i knew that it would end up killing me and i would end up regretting it, as much as i would really really love to do it. then there is the triathlon club, which i am so hesitant about joining...i know its really not a big deal and i should get over it, but the thing is that i tried to do it a little bit last year, so i feel kinda weird coming back to it after not going to it cause people kinda know me/saw me, but they didn't really get to know me. and i feel like everyone there is kinda exclusivly competitive and i don't really have any friends who will do it with me...so i'm kinda scared. Plus, I kinda like working out whenever i feel like it, cause my schedule is so crazy, but i would love to compete at nationals with the team in april...,but thats a long ways away.
so the guy in arizona...i think i kinda ended it last weekend. i made the decision that i was going to go and visit him on sept 20th, and he was just like "yea come on up"....and i'm like....expecting him to say "i'm so glad, i really miss you and can't wait to see you"...and he definetly did not say that. and so i told him that, and he was like, well i'll work on that. and i was like..."ok". then i asked him if we were exclusive, and he was like, "well i haven't hooked up with anyone since you. when i go out i just go out with friends not really to meet anyone".....and i was like, ok...thats not really saying that hes specifically staying with me just that he hasn't found anyone better. and part of me is just like....i know i can do much better and find other guys here, but i haven't and i really don't know if there are any college guys here who are relationship material. and i know that is kinda what i want. i know that i shouldn't go looking for it, but i can't really help it. iwas just sitting here and like a wave of lonliness just spread over me for the first time in a while, and i really wanted to call jason...but i feel like that would be confusing. i really don't know where we are, and part of me really does want to just go to arizona for a while and have fun and just stop being so serious about my life...but, i don't know if thats a good idea. i mean where would that lead me? just to a lot more confusion about my life and with jason and trying to figure out if i want to go to school or what not. i just don't know about this distance thing...because i need someone physically right here with me now and i don't want to have to wait months to see someone.
on top of that...my best friend and i got into a fight on monday about her job and i got pissed because she doesn't think that there is anythign wrong with the fact that her employer is paying her under the table...and this isn't like babysitting or anythign, she is working at a cocktail lounge.so i just didn't have the energy to argue with her about that. so i just told her I would talk to her later. and i will once my schedule settles down and i can focus on it more.
i have made the resolve that i am not going to drink for two weeks...which is really good for some things. it has really made me focus on my schoolwork and i have been amazingly on top of things and very organized and what not. i feel like i just needed to clean my system out of alcohol, and that when i do drink...it really kinda takes me a little bit to recover from it, and because i'm so busy, i really just don't have the time to lay low to recover for a day or two. its really hard on the weekends i guess, but i'm making it through and i'm really really proud of myself for doing it. but on the other hand, i really do miss going out with people, and like right now i could just use one drink just to relax and what not. so we'll see how it goes. i'm really busy tomorrow and sunday so that time will go by really fast, which i am glad. i've really been thinking about trying to do an internship in ireland this summer somehow...the only thing is, if i do it through the university for credit, i fucking have to pay a but load of money. which is so STUPID. why would i pay money???? if anything, i should get paid...not vice versa. anyways, we'll see how that goes. and then i'm definetly studying abroad in spain sometime....i just have to figure out my graduation plans and what not, cause i think that i would go there after my fourth year, because i still will need one more semester or classes, and then i can just stay in spain/europe if i really like it, which i think that i will. so...that might work out great.
just trying to fall back into the swing of things....its really really hard and i dont know how well its working out, but i'm trying....