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changing seasons

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(no subject) [Oct. 20th, 2007|09:11 pm]
changing seasons
[mood |surprisedsurprised]

so, this guy from work was totally out of my head. The guy from work who i flirted with about a month ago when i was always working with him...i haven't worked with him for a while and like when i do see him around the restaurant, he doesn't really say much. but today i worked with him and we were not busy at all and then there were only 2 other servers, and we just goofed around so much. i bet with him that he couldn't carry this tray back cause it was too stacked, and he wanted to prove me wrong, but i was laughing at him and he told me he was goign to drop it. and then we would be setting things down, and we would go twoards the same section and try to rush to put the silverware down faster, and like, he was like, "i'm happy today", and i was like, "why?" and he was like "I don't know, its pretty rare at work so i don't question it". then we were the only ones hanging around, and he was like, "hey so whats new with you?" and i really didn't know what to say, so was just really informal. but then at the end of the day, he tipped me out a lot! and he usually doesn't tip out a lot....so now its like hes in my mind 24/7 a lot. i almost asked him out like several times today, like it was so close just to coming out because i wasn't prepared for it when i came to work. but now i'm thinking of ways that i can ask him out and things...BUT huge thing, he smokes cigarettes a lot...and i HATE that. so i don't know if he would stop for me, or if we would just have to be friends or just have nothing happen with that. but he makes me laugh so much, and he is so cute and just a great person...even if he is a little bit judgemental of people, but we just make fun of people innocently when we are together at the restaurant. i don't know anything about him, his age, if he even is single, if he graduated from college or anything. sooo i guess thats what it would be like to go out with him. I SO WISH that i was 21 and could ask him for a drink, but then i thought about it and i would probably be shy to ask him for a stupid drink! well...idk, i did win a couple free dinners at a restaurant, so maybe i'll ask him if he wants to go one night. i don't know if that would work or anything....but i totally like him and want to hang out with him more.
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(no subject) [Oct. 18th, 2007|03:40 pm]
changing seasons
[mood |surprisedsurprised]

you know what is so interesting about life? How much you can plan it and think you know exactly what you want to do, be so determined that you are just going to do it, and how much your life can change just like that and something that you didn't even think about can keep re-appearing in your life and you figure out, hey maybe i should look at this.

for example...for me its the environment. when i was in high school (gosh that makes me sound old!), I randomly applied for this scholarship for Earthwatch...i won it, went to the bahamas for 2 weeks to survey dolphins and it seriously changed my life. Now I've been looking for an internship this summer in south america, and one of my professors put me in touch with another professor who is looking for someone to go to chile with him over the summer for environmental research, and its like....AMAZING. as much as i really do love international relations, and i do love people and do want to work with development and human rights, there is something superficial about it. I do want to work with people for sure, but there is somethign about the environment that is so peaceful and soothing and just...feels right sometimes.

i know this sounds incredibly cheesy...but yesterday i went on a bike ride just south of campus, and it is kinda in like farm area and the country, and it was amazing. the middle of fall, leaves changing colors, the sun reflecting on the oranges, reds and greens and the corn mazes, the cows and sheep and just the area full of natural elements...was amazing. and maybe thats where i belong. all of these things keep coming up in my life that make me look at the environment and see if its really what i want to do. i'm definetly going to be more aware of it.
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(no subject) [Oct. 10th, 2007|09:11 pm]
changing seasons
[mood |draineddrained]

omg life is so crazy right now. so lets put this all together as best we can:

first, private loans= ridiculous. like, come on you are already putting me in debt for my whole life, so why are you exacerbating the process???? i called this one loan company, get pre-approved for 5.8% interest rate, which is great right??? so i'm like cool...tell me why after i sign it, it says i am paying 8.3%???? and then when i try to call for the cancellation policy, they transfer me to like 10 different people, am on the phone for an hour and they STILL don't give me a straight answer.

second: the frustration of the vicious cycle of work to earn money for school-- which leads to not having enough time to focus on studying for school-- which leads to frustration and bad grads--- which leads to not having the best resume to earn a scholarship--which leads to having to work even more. it is the most ridiculous situation to be in....to be working so hard and not even be CLOSE to having the money to pay for school...which means you are freaking out about it all the time, which makes everything else in your life suck cause you are constantly freaking out and putting so much pressure on yourself to do well because...well of course you WILL BE PAYING FOR IT For the rest of your life.

third: boys = stupid coniving things that just are complete confusion and mind fuck. so the guy from before that i talked about a little bit...who appologized to me and i ended up spending the night at his house cuddling whatever...so maybe i am COMPLETLY reading the signs wrong...but i would interpret that at i like you kinda thing....which means the whole game about flirting/guessing if they like you/leading you on blah blah is over. THE GAME IS UP. so then why is he still playing?? so i messaged him and asked what he was doing this weekend and if he was tailgating and he said yea he might and that he would give me a call...but he doesn't have my phone number. i guess i should take that as a hint and just move on right??? yea i should. so i guess i am going to try to do that. and just be totally fabulous and meet other guys and have a hell of a time anyways.


life is just so ridiculous that it is kind of funny right now. i just have to laugh and grab it by the balls and keep up on this crazy ass ride and not care so much. i need to let go and just have a great time...even if i am paying a fortune for it. i am going to remember the fun times when i was with my friends, hanging out and causing trouble...not the papers, or the tests or whatever.

i am really starting to learn what it is like to not have everything figured out and to be ok with that. it really is a skill. to live in the unknown and not freak out about it. and i did it really well in arizona...were i was like, "you know i'm jsut gonna go down there and not have a job and not really have a plan, but have faith in myself that it will work out and i will be ok". and thats what i'm like here "i don't have the money here, and i'm not gonna go crazy into debt for it, but i will figure out a way to be ok"....except, that for some reason i am not convinced that i will be ok. how to i get there???


so confused/emotionally lost/on a roller coaster of life....
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(no subject) [Oct. 5th, 2007|06:51 pm]
changing seasons
the parentals vetoes the tongue ring.



and life will go back to being predictable.
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what a complicated mess [Sep. 7th, 2007|08:21 pm]
changing seasons
[mood |confusedconfused]

Well....it has been a long time since I've writen in here, and things have definetly changes. I don't think that I have ever been so busy in my entire life. I have had days where every minute is planned and I go straight from one thing to another...and its crazy. I have broken down a couple times...i'm just wiating for this mentor thing to definetly quite down and not be so stressful, which people said it will soon. but then i have my job, classes, working out and actually having a life. i almost took on another job as a swim coach, and i really really wanted to do it, but i knew that it would end up killing me and i would end up regretting it, as much as i would really really love to do it. then there is the triathlon club, which i am so hesitant about joining...i know its really not a big deal and i should get over it, but the thing is that i tried to do it a little bit last year, so i feel kinda weird coming back to it after not going to it cause people kinda know me/saw me, but they didn't really get to know me. and i feel like everyone there is kinda exclusivly competitive and i don't really have any friends who will do it with me...so i'm kinda scared. Plus, I kinda like working out whenever i feel like it, cause my schedule is so crazy, but i would love to compete at nationals with the team in april...,but thats a long ways away.

so the guy in arizona...i think i kinda ended it last weekend. i made the decision that i was going to go and visit him on sept 20th, and he was just like "yea come on up"....and i'm like....expecting him to say "i'm so glad, i really miss you and can't wait to see you"...and he definetly did not say that. and so i told him that, and he was like, well i'll work on that. and i was like..."ok". then i asked him if we were exclusive, and he was like, "well i haven't hooked up with anyone since you. when i go out i just go out with friends not really to meet anyone".....and i was like, ok...thats not really saying that hes specifically staying with me just that he hasn't found anyone better. and part of me is just like....i know i can do much better and find other guys here, but i haven't and i really don't know if there are any college guys here who are relationship material. and i know that is kinda what i want. i know that i shouldn't go looking for it, but i can't really help it. iwas just sitting here and like a wave of lonliness just spread over me for the first time in a while, and i really wanted to call jason...but i feel like that would be confusing. i really don't know where we are, and part of me really does want to just go to arizona for a while and have fun and just stop being so serious about my life...but, i don't know if thats a good idea. i mean where would that lead me? just to a lot more confusion about my life and with jason and trying to figure out if i want to go to school or what not. i just don't know about this distance thing...because i need someone physically right here with me now and i don't want to have to wait months to see someone.

on top of that...my best friend and i got into a fight on monday about her job and i got pissed because she doesn't think that there is anythign wrong with the fact that her employer is paying her under the table...and this isn't like babysitting or anythign, she is working at a cocktail lounge.so i just didn't have the energy to argue with her about that. so i just told her I would talk to her later. and i will once my schedule settles down and i can focus on it more.

i have made the resolve that i am not going to drink for two weeks...which is really good for some things. it has really made me focus on my schoolwork and i have been amazingly on top of things and very organized and what not. i feel like i just needed to clean my system out of alcohol, and that when i do drink...it really kinda takes me a little bit to recover from it, and because i'm so busy, i really just don't have the time to lay low to recover for a day or two. its really hard on the weekends i guess, but i'm making it through and i'm really really proud of myself for doing it. but on the other hand, i really do miss going out with people, and like right now i could just use one drink just to relax and what not. so we'll see how it goes. i'm really busy tomorrow and sunday so that time will go by really fast, which i am glad. i've really been thinking about trying to do an internship in ireland this summer somehow...the only thing is, if i do it through the university for credit, i fucking have to pay a but load of money. which is so STUPID. why would i pay money???? if anything, i should get paid...not vice versa. anyways, we'll see how that goes. and then i'm definetly studying abroad in spain sometime....i just have to figure out my graduation plans and what not, cause i think that i would go there after my fourth year, because i still will need one more semester or classes, and then i can just stay in spain/europe if i really like it, which i think that i will. so...that might work out great.

just trying to fall back into the swing of things....its really really hard and i dont know how well its working out, but i'm trying....
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(no subject) [Aug. 29th, 2007|01:03 pm]
changing seasons
well haven't really posted in here very much. I have been really really busy latley with mentoring stuff and school stuff and just don't really write in here very much anymore because i don't feel like anyone reads this...and thats ok i guess. I am still talking with my guy....thats going on two months here, which seems a lot longer then it actually has been. We were physically with each other for one month and not for another month. I have been considering, (ever since I left) about going to visit him, and the more I think about it, the more i just really think i am going to do it. even though i can't technically afford it and it is going to be kind of hard to get the time off. I need something to look forward to and i really really want to see him and spend time with him. I feel like going to visit him will either make or break us. Especially since I expect him to come and visit me the next time we get together. Yesterday when i was talkikng to him on the phone, he said he didn't care about something, and i was like, "you don't care about anything" and he goes "yes I do. I care about my job, money, my friends, and... leah is up there, yup i care about leah"....and even though he changed the subject right after it, it made me feel really good. the first time he has actually articulated that he cares about me. But things are changing a little bit i think...right after i left, I don't think he went out much, and now hes talking about how he had a drunk fest last weekend...and didn't really tell me very many details about it, and then also about how he is going out all of this weekend cause he has off on friday and monday for labor day. its just really hard, because i feel like there are things that i need to do in my life...aka, finish up two years of college, study abraod in spain for a semester etc and its hard to do that and be with him. i mean i can go and visit him for one weekend in september and then he can come visit me for thanksgiving and then i can go there over break for a week and back to go to vegas for my birthday....but where is this really going? where is this really going to end up? yes, i like being with him a lot, but am i really going to stay with him until next summer, and even if i do, do i have time in my plan to spend another summer in arizona with him? And i don't think becky would come with me this time...i think she might stay in new york...and i would have to get an apartment all by myself, and somehow work out a car....and just so many other things. I feel like he is keeping me from planning my life because he is an unknown...and i'm sure that its good that i finally have something in my life that i can't necessarily control and don't know what to do with him. Maybe i should talk to him about it, but i feel like its a really really hard conversation to have.....and that it is putting pressure on the already delicate situation, but then again, it probably isn't healthy to keep dancing around the pink elephant in the room because we both know its there. well....enough for now.
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(no subject) [Aug. 4th, 2007|10:57 pm]
changing seasons
i don't know what i am feeeling or want to do about anything that is boy related. I just basically want to hide and not have to deal with it. i want to withdraw and just let it fizzle out so that the happy times can stay happy and I don't have to worry about it ending badly and messing up everything that was in the past. what am i really supposed to do here. Wait until he finds another girl and tells me that its over? the more I think about it, the more nothign makes sense. The more I think about it, the more paranoid I get and the more I think this is just going to have to end and i will either come out ok or heartbroken. If I let it continue until he ends it, then i'll be sad and depressed. If I take the initiative and end it, then i'm fine and i can just feel like it was something that I had to do and not really wanted to do. hes in vegas right now, drunk as a skunk, called me and kept asking me the same questions over and over...wanted me to tell him what I was going to tell him the night before when I was drunk and I wouldn't. How am i just supposed to bust out: "yea what the hell are we doing here?" I want him to tell me that i'm beautiful, that he misses me, that he wants me to come and visit him. i want to tell him that i am coming to visit in september. i just am losing faith (especially now when he is in vegas and drunk) that if another hot girl comes along that he will stop himself because of me. I just don't think thats going to happen...
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(no subject) [Jul. 10th, 2007|07:38 pm]
changing seasons
[mood |confusedconfused]

I have known this guy for three weeks. For three weeks we have hung out on the weekends, i have slept over at his house, we have watched movies together...its been amazing. My friend and i went to go and visit him at his work for the 4th, watched fireworks with him, hung out with his friends, grilled out, rode the atvs etc. its been amazing. last week i hung out with him on friday when i was upset when i found out that my friends dad was switcching our flights to leave the next morning. and now i can't see me leaving him. i am really trying to think of ways to make this easier. I am trying to push him away because i think it will be easier when i leave. When he is here for the weekend, I love having him here. knowing that he is just 40 minutes away from me. and even then sometimes i don't hang out with him all the time, but i know that it is ok because he is close and i know that i will spend the night with him. and in less then 7 days i am going to be 500 miles away from him, will never get to see him on the weekends, won't get to kiss him, won't get to watch movies with him....and i can't handle that. my life seems so real here, i mean besides the drama that is going on with my best friends dad...but its so real. i feel at home here, i feel comfertable, i feel like i know people and i feel safe here. and i'm going to have to leave all of that soon. don't get me wrong, i can't wait to go home and relax and just not have to worry about anything, but that will get old really soon. it would be way too fast to up and leave MSU and move here to be with him....but i feel like doing it anyways sometimes. i can't stop thinking about him and its driving me crazy how much i am falling into this after i tried not to. i'll talk about it more later i guess....
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(no subject) [Jul. 9th, 2007|09:22 pm]
changing seasons
i don't really know what i am doing with my life here. things are so up in the air, i have no idea what i really want and am just thinking that everything is going to go back to the normal way and i will be ok with that. but when i am here in the moment...i don't want to go back to the ordinary. i want this rush here. the rush of being on my own, the rush of having to make my own decisions, of meeting more and more people, of having a boyfriend who i stay with every weekend and text/call almost every day, of having friends here and keep meeting more and more people. i'm talking about looking into schools here, getting my own house/apartment, work when i'm not at school, have a car and take care of myself here. i'm not saying that my boyfriend and i are going to stay together forever, its just that it is such a high here that i don't want to leave and go back. maybe a little bit for some relaxation. i don't know whawt i'm talking about anymore. i don't think i'm ever going to have this figured out. and there really is nothing that i can do about it now.
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(no subject) [Jul. 1st, 2007|04:02 pm]
changing seasons
man...the way things have changed. i don't know what happened, but i left jason's house this morning and after i was gone for 5 minutes, i really started to miss him. and i started cussing myself out in the car yelling "shit fuck ass!!!" at myself cause i didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to fall for a guy this way...i was fine when i just was like, whatever happens is fine. but yesterday, we just hung out and nothing happened and it just was so perfect and i just started to fall for him. this is not supposed to happen at all. just setting myself up for disappointment here.



i don't knwo what else to write now....
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