||[Sep. 11th, 2008|05:22 pm]
OMG....this week just keep getting worse and worse. I was in such a good place this summer, and then I go to Europe, and everything changes when I come back. It is so hard getting adjusted to things again here. I always have such a hard time when school starts again, I don't know why. I just re-think things. I got into a fight with my best friend last night because I want to live with her when we graduate, and she just wants to do her own thing. And then I just break down, because I feel like no one cares about me enough to make sacrifices for me and to be together. I have so many guys during the summer, so many friends, but I'm not number one to them. Or I'm not important enough to have an impact on their life where they want to be with me more then they want to do whatever they want. And it just kinda sucks. I have to try to have confidence in myself and just think that I don't really need anyone else and that I"m not lonley because I always have myself and that is enough. How can I expect someone else to care about me if I can't care about myself and be enough for myself? It just so hard...and I don't know how I did it before and didn't care and just was out there and perfectly happy with myself. And I still am happy with myself, but something is different, where I feel like I'm not enough. I want more. I feel like I should have a boyfriend or someone who goes out of their way for me because all of my friends do. Like whats wrong with me that no one cares about me enough to do any grand gestures? More then that, I just feel like I have to much to give, and want to be a part of someone and share my life with someone...not permanently, but I start thinking about whats the point if you do everything alone and are alone all of the time.
I guess its just something that I have to think about and just have faith in myself that things are going to work out and that I will be fine with whatever happens. MOre then that, I'm thinking abotu changing my job to be a student supervisor, but I can't decide. There are a lot of good things and bad things about being a supervisor: one is it will be a change, I will get to have more of a leadership position in the restaurant and will work more with the employees. I feel it is amazing experience that I won't be able to have anywhere else and would give me the opportunity to maybe be a manager in the future. Bad things, it is a little bit less money, its 10$ an hour instead of waitressing where you can make between 10-15 an hour. And, its not as busy as being a waitress, you know as a waitress you always have something to do, you get that rush of taking care of the customers and all of that. So, its kinda a big decision to make. I guess I can just apply and see what happens anyways. But, I have to think about it some more because if I get offered the job I want to take it, I don't want to have to turn it down and change my mind because that really wouldn't be fair.
So, I guess that would be kind of a neat change in my life right now. I would kind of get out of the politics between the servers and into management, I think it might be hard having people respect me in the restaurant, but I guess we can try...the only thing is, that I if it doesn't work out, I can't go back to server, and that is such a great job for me...so like I said..I have to think about it some more.
God my life goes off in such random directions its really crazy. You would look at my background and its a little bit of everything in there...which some people say is good, but it feels weird and strange not knowing what I want to do and where I want to go and just having all of these random experiences. I guess they help me grow as a person non the less. Anyways, off to tri practice!! :) :)
I hope things get better and I start settling in and feeling happy and confident again...