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changing seasons

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[Aug. 19th, 2008|02:33 am]
changing seasons
back home and things are just a mess. I keep breaking down around money and I can't seem to get things figured out. I think that during the summer, my parents really started helping me a lot with money...I kept getting into these jams where I was short money, or made mistakes that cost a lot, or kept changing my mind which was expensive...and they bailed me out...which they normally do not do.

The thing is, up until this point, I have been pretty independent with money where I have just done my own thing and not relied on them for anything, and it has been really really great. And then this has started to happen, and I could feel myself getting a little bit dependent on them and I didn't really like it, so I figured once I got back to school and things were back to normal and I was working and making money that I would be able to take care of things on my own. Well, then I had this break down in brussels and called my parents from a phone there on my credit card and it is costing me 500 dollars. and now they are freaking out and kind of rethinking everything they already agreed to pay for and telling me that I have to start paying for this. Totally changing their minds.

You see, I know I'm not perfect, and I dont' expect to be, but I keep making these really big financial mistakes that are costing me a TON of money and I don't have the money during the summer because I stopped working so I can't cover the mistakes, then I beat myself up for making them and am really really hard on myself and don't have the space to just let the mistakes happen. the thing is, that usually I can break with these mistakes, or I can't and I just learn from them because this is new stuff that I never have had to deal with in my life or learn from. and it has been good for them to have my back about those kind of things, but now they are resenting it, and i just beat myself up because I knew this was going to happen and this is why I dont let them help me out because it always erupts into something huge and disguting and we just get angry and start yelling and saying mean things to each other and I don't want to fight anymore. But then don't tell me you are going to pay for something and then change your mind in the middle of it after I have already counted on you to pay for it just because things come up.

They keep telling me I am so good at money, but if that is true, then why do I keep making all of these mistakes? All of these mistakes that are so expensive to fix, and that I don't know how to deal with. I just need to get back to work ASAP so that I can have some money. My parents keep telling me that its because I go to an out of state school and it is so expensive and that I spend more money on tuition then I would here and blah blah and its just like...I hate that conversation because I don't think its true. yes I pay more for tuition, but A) i don't ask them to pay the difference and B) These issues would come up regardless of where I was going to school...and its probably a better thing that I deal with them now then later on in life when I really would be stuck.

Its just my parents are so confusing, they say they want to be a back up net for me and to give me some room to make mistakes, and then they are saying that that is not really supporting me in what I want to do. yes, ok for the most part I do like taking care of my things and all of that, b ut on the other hand, I work so fucking hard, that I don't think its a bad thing to give myself some breathing room every once and a while where my parents have my back and I don't have to work and can just experience things for myself. I mean damn, sometimes I work so damn hard that I forget how to live and how to just have fun and let go. And I needed this europe vacation, so that I could graduate and so I could meet new people and have fun and remember what it feels like to let go.

And now its like, because my parents kept giving and I kept receiving, that there is this big backlash on me now, where they are pulling in super tight. And its like, Ok i know that we probably did go a bit far, but you can't change what you said after you said it because I depend on that. And now, its like there is no balance...how can you support me without making me dependent on you? its hard and its like, it has to be either one thing or the other, there is no middle ground...and thats not really fair or solving anything either. It is just so hard, I don't know what to do, except just take out loans and give me some breathing room. because that is just what i need, some financial breathing room to allow myself to make mistakes, because damn, I am only human and I fuck up sometimes and it doesnt have to be the end of the world...btu if I have no money then it does seem like it is the end of the world. I really am learning a ton from this, whether or not it is working out right now, there are lessons now that will make me more financially secure in the future, and that is really important.

sO i guess, just suck it up and do what i have to do, even if its not what is the best right now...I know that I will be able to deal with it in the future and that I can work things out. I mean, I have worked things out so far to this point, and I never thought I would still be here at michigan state and doing what I'm doing, and I have a great job that I will be workign a lot at, and will be workign on a thesis here, and have my friends...so life really isn't so bad. Just give myself some room to work it out and that will be ok. I just am afraid that I will end up like my parents in debt and all of this is making me scared that I will be like them, but I know that I am good with money...as my parents always say, so I don't think that is my destiny.

God, I just hope that this all works out. It is really hard for me to deal with this right now, and I just need to relax and have faith that I can work it out....

*on top of which, I already really miss Europe and miss my friends there so much...I'm trying to ignore it and just move on because I know that it is hard to dwell on things that I can't change, but my heart is still there and all of my friends that i miss so much...*