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changing seasons

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(no subject) [Sep. 11th, 2008|05:22 pm]
changing seasons
[mood |blahblah]

OMG....this week just keep getting worse and worse. I was in such a good place this summer, and then I go to Europe, and everything changes when I come back. It is so hard getting adjusted to things again here. I always have such a hard time when school starts again, I don't know why. I just re-think things. I got into a fight with my best friend last night because I want to live with her when we graduate, and she just wants to do her own thing. And then I just break down, because I feel like no one cares about me enough to make sacrifices for me and to be together. I have so many guys during the summer, so many friends, but I'm not number one to them. Or I'm not important enough to have an impact on their life where they want to be with me more then they want to do whatever they want. And it just kinda sucks. I have to try to have confidence in myself and just think that I don't really need anyone else and that I"m not lonley because I always have myself and that is enough. How can I expect someone else to care about me if I can't care about myself and be enough for myself? It just so hard...and I don't know how I did it before and didn't care and just was out there and perfectly happy with myself. And I still am happy with myself, but something is different, where I feel like I'm not enough. I want more. I feel like I should have a boyfriend or someone who goes out of their way for me because all of my friends do. Like whats wrong with me that no one cares about me enough to do any grand gestures? More then that, I just feel like I have to much to give, and want to be a part of someone and share my life with someone...not permanently, but I start thinking about whats the point if you do everything alone and are alone all of the time.

I guess its just something that I have to think about and just have faith in myself that things are going to work out and that I will be fine with whatever happens. MOre then that, I'm thinking abotu changing my job to be a student supervisor, but I can't decide. There are a lot of good things and bad things about being a supervisor: one is it will be a change, I will get to have more of a leadership position in the restaurant and will work more with the employees. I feel it is amazing experience that I won't be able to have anywhere else and would give me the opportunity to maybe be a manager in the future. Bad things, it is a little bit less money, its 10$ an hour instead of waitressing where you can make between 10-15 an hour. And, its not as busy as being a waitress, you know as a waitress you always have something to do, you get that rush of taking care of the customers and all of that. So, its kinda a big decision to make. I guess I can just apply and see what happens anyways. But, I have to think about it some more because if I get offered the job I want to take it, I don't want to have to turn it down and change my mind because that really wouldn't be fair.

So, I guess that would be kind of a neat change in my life right now. I would kind of get out of the politics between the servers and into management, I think it might be hard having people respect me in the restaurant, but I guess we can try...the only thing is, that I if it doesn't work out, I can't go back to server, and that is such a great job for me...so like I said..I have to think about it some more.

God my life goes off in such random directions its really crazy. You would look at my background and its a little bit of everything in there...which some people say is good, but it feels weird and strange not knowing what I want to do and where I want to go and just having all of these random experiences. I guess they help me grow as a person non the less. Anyways, off to tri practice!! :) :)

I hope things get better and I start settling in and feeling happy and confident again...
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(no subject) [Aug. 19th, 2008|02:33 am]
changing seasons
back home and things are just a mess. I keep breaking down around money and I can't seem to get things figured out. I think that during the summer, my parents really started helping me a lot with money...I kept getting into these jams where I was short money, or made mistakes that cost a lot, or kept changing my mind which was expensive...and they bailed me out...which they normally do not do.

The thing is, up until this point, I have been pretty independent with money where I have just done my own thing and not relied on them for anything, and it has been really really great. And then this has started to happen, and I could feel myself getting a little bit dependent on them and I didn't really like it, so I figured once I got back to school and things were back to normal and I was working and making money that I would be able to take care of things on my own. Well, then I had this break down in brussels and called my parents from a phone there on my credit card and it is costing me 500 dollars. and now they are freaking out and kind of rethinking everything they already agreed to pay for and telling me that I have to start paying for this. Totally changing their minds.

You see, I know I'm not perfect, and I dont' expect to be, but I keep making these really big financial mistakes that are costing me a TON of money and I don't have the money during the summer because I stopped working so I can't cover the mistakes, then I beat myself up for making them and am really really hard on myself and don't have the space to just let the mistakes happen. the thing is, that usually I can break with these mistakes, or I can't and I just learn from them because this is new stuff that I never have had to deal with in my life or learn from. and it has been good for them to have my back about those kind of things, but now they are resenting it, and i just beat myself up because I knew this was going to happen and this is why I dont let them help me out because it always erupts into something huge and disguting and we just get angry and start yelling and saying mean things to each other and I don't want to fight anymore. But then don't tell me you are going to pay for something and then change your mind in the middle of it after I have already counted on you to pay for it just because things come up.

They keep telling me I am so good at money, but if that is true, then why do I keep making all of these mistakes? All of these mistakes that are so expensive to fix, and that I don't know how to deal with. I just need to get back to work ASAP so that I can have some money. My parents keep telling me that its because I go to an out of state school and it is so expensive and that I spend more money on tuition then I would here and blah blah and its just like...I hate that conversation because I don't think its true. yes I pay more for tuition, but A) i don't ask them to pay the difference and B) These issues would come up regardless of where I was going to school...and its probably a better thing that I deal with them now then later on in life when I really would be stuck.

Its just my parents are so confusing, they say they want to be a back up net for me and to give me some room to make mistakes, and then they are saying that that is not really supporting me in what I want to do. yes, ok for the most part I do like taking care of my things and all of that, b ut on the other hand, I work so fucking hard, that I don't think its a bad thing to give myself some breathing room every once and a while where my parents have my back and I don't have to work and can just experience things for myself. I mean damn, sometimes I work so damn hard that I forget how to live and how to just have fun and let go. And I needed this europe vacation, so that I could graduate and so I could meet new people and have fun and remember what it feels like to let go.

And now its like, because my parents kept giving and I kept receiving, that there is this big backlash on me now, where they are pulling in super tight. And its like, Ok i know that we probably did go a bit far, but you can't change what you said after you said it because I depend on that. And now, its like there is no balance...how can you support me without making me dependent on you? its hard and its like, it has to be either one thing or the other, there is no middle ground...and thats not really fair or solving anything either. It is just so hard, I don't know what to do, except just take out loans and give me some breathing room. because that is just what i need, some financial breathing room to allow myself to make mistakes, because damn, I am only human and I fuck up sometimes and it doesnt have to be the end of the world...btu if I have no money then it does seem like it is the end of the world. I really am learning a ton from this, whether or not it is working out right now, there are lessons now that will make me more financially secure in the future, and that is really important.

sO i guess, just suck it up and do what i have to do, even if its not what is the best right now...I know that I will be able to deal with it in the future and that I can work things out. I mean, I have worked things out so far to this point, and I never thought I would still be here at michigan state and doing what I'm doing, and I have a great job that I will be workign a lot at, and will be workign on a thesis here, and have my friends...so life really isn't so bad. Just give myself some room to work it out and that will be ok. I just am afraid that I will end up like my parents in debt and all of this is making me scared that I will be like them, but I know that I am good with money...as my parents always say, so I don't think that is my destiny.

God, I just hope that this all works out. It is really hard for me to deal with this right now, and I just need to relax and have faith that I can work it out....

*on top of which, I already really miss Europe and miss my friends there so much...I'm trying to ignore it and just move on because I know that it is hard to dwell on things that I can't change, but my heart is still there and all of my friends that i miss so much...*
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(no subject) [Aug. 2nd, 2008|04:56 pm]
changing seasons
[music |feelings show--colbie caillat]

It is so easy to let other peoples insecurities bring you down. Sometimes it is unconscious on their part, and they don't realize that what they are saying has an impact on you. But sometimes, it is just better to realize that what they are saying is them and not you. Don't waste energy getting caught up in other peoples insecurities and problems...thats their own racket...I have a great life right now. I am spending my two weeks of summer vacation relaxing in Brussels, starting to get in shape for a triathlon in september, working on my paper a month before they are due, and reading the newspaper every morning while eating breakfast. I have a great guy who has told me that he likes me so much over and over....i am too good to let someone else's comment erase all of that and make me doubt my life. I love it here. The weather is crazy unpredictable like in the midwest, but there is so much here to explore. I am allowing myself to be lazy and sleep whenever I want to, wake up whenever I want and just spend embarassingly long amounts of time on facebook.

loving this colbie caillat cd:

"love is crazy pretty baby take it real slow/my feeling show/are you have to do is never let go/my feelings show/and i want you to know...
but what i'm trying to say/ is that my feelings have changed/ and i'm letting it take over/if you need time away/i won't ask you to stay

but i don't want to lose you.."

still haven't figured out what i want to do next year. I have really been thinking on doing a thesis project on political integration in latin america. and then i'm thinking about maybe doing a latin america specialization because it wouldn't require too much. But basically, I don't want this last year to be too overburdensome. I want it to be good, but i don't want to get too stressed out. I want to be able to work a lot of hours at kellogg to earn money, I want to have time to train for the triathlon club and to get into really great shape, and I want to have times with my friends who I really care about and miss so much.

I can't wait until i get back to school and get to move into my new apartment and see my friends there!!! I can't wait to decorate my new room, have a kitchen so that I can cook, and have my huge, beautiful, comfortable bed with me. I might never get out of that, I dream about that bed so much, it is like a little piece of heaven.

I am excited to see my family when I get back. WE have been talking a lot during my trip here, and they are sad that I am staying another week here, but they think that it is a good thing for me to do too.

life is beautiful.

no one else can make me think otherwise.
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(no subject) [May. 13th, 2008|11:11 pm]
changing seasons
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

yeah its been such a long time since I have written anything in here.

Summer has been so blah. I just got over having mono, and I didn't do much for those three weeks, and now its hard getting back to what I was doing while being careful not to go overboard. Those first months after you turn 21, you just want to go out all of the time and spend time with your friends and just enjoy the fact that you aren't left out anymore. And then after those several months, you get sick of only hanging out with people while you are drinking. Like can we have fun without drinking and getting drunk and spending a ton of money?

I have no guy anything going on in my life right now. After my whole realization about guys being douche bags and being really choosy about what I want now, it seems that I am too choosy. I just haven't gone out in any social settings where I can meet any guys. And really where can I meet them? At work, none of them really appeal to me much. At the bars? Yea, that will lead to something really serious. And my friends don't really hook me up with any guys or try to introduce me to their friends. It really seems like a lot of my friends are in relationships, and its not really that big of a deal because they are pretty "grown Up" about it in the sense that they don't really ignore all of their friends.

I feel like I am always trying to find that balance. I just want someone to feel comfortable with. It's not like I am going out of my way to meet someone. It's not like I am hoping that every guy that I meet will have some potential, it's mostly that I just want to click with someone. I want to have fun without going overboard. I have been to myself a lot this summer. I don't know if its the isolation of the place that I am in, or if it is just that I am trying to get back into the "groove".

I have been car shopping, mostly to lease a car for a couple of years. ANd it is so expensive. I mean, we are talking $400 a month with gas and insurance and everything. And it just seems ridiculous and pisses me off that I work so hard and can't have a fucking car to hang out with my friends and have that freedom. I'm paying for fucking everything, my rent, my food, my school, my studying in Europe, and its like...I just get tired of doing that sometimes when I feel like I deserve something but can't afford it.

And then I think about what i'm going to do when i graduate. and there are so many different kinds of lives that I want to live. Part of me wants to move to Europe (*pending on if I like it there, which I probably will) and do something there. Part of me wants to go into the FBI or be a detective. Part of me wants to go into the glamour of LA or Miami and make it big time. And it seems like I can't figure out what I want the most, or what I want to give up. And that really frustrates me the most. At time I feel like I am studying the wrong thing at college. That I should have waited to go to college until I knew for sure what I want to do. And my heart is not in one place at all...it's all over the place. How am i supposed to choose. I feel like whatever i do after college is what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life. I don't want that feeling. I just want to be. That's where the idea of becky and I starting up a restaurant comes in...but that is such a huge thing for a couple of recent college grads to do. And I don't know about the whole thing with her dad either. That whole thing isn't complete either. But, I haven't talked to her in a while, so I don't even know where that whole thing is.

anyways, basically right now I feel like a wreck that doesn't know what she wants to do now or in the future. I don't know where I am, or who I am, or who I want to be. and what the fuck do I do with that?
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(no subject) [Jan. 15th, 2008|10:19 am]
changing seasons
[mood |boredbored]

I signed the papers to study abroad in brussels this summer! Europe here i come..FINALLY. I am really really excited to go to Europe and to go on another adventure. Even if I do invest myself emotionally into it, its better then just being here and having nothing really exciting going on. So now that I signed up for that, I have also decided that I am going to stay in E.Lansing during the summer and take a course during the first term and work where I am working now, then go on the study abroad for july, stay there about a week after so I can travel through Europe and then go back home for a week or so before school starts again. I'm really excited that I figured that out. My parents are really bummed that I'm not coming home for the summer and that they won't get to see me again for a while because I am going to Miami for spring break. I really miss them too, but i don't know what else to do really.

Life is still going pretty steady...which kind of scares me because I feel that at any moment shit is just going to hit the fan and I will be falling downhill into the same nonsense that was first semester. I just want something exciting to happen in my life..I guess i have to wait 25 days for that to happen AKA my 21st birthday. I am really excited about that. I'm getting a limo with my closest friends and we are driving to another city to have dinner and then coming back here to the bars. It will be nice to hang out with people from work outside of work. Speaking of work, the guy who i really liked at work got fired...and that made me really really sad. Everytime he was at work, it was just a lot more fun, we would joke around and just talk a lot and it made going into work worth while. And now...it kind of sucks again. And this shit about getting promoted is just getting to be a real hassle. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't start training next week...but it won't be good.

Theres nothing really exciting and amazing that is going on. It is all good and fun and its better then last semester where it was just crappy and the stuff that was happening was not exciting but just daunting...but, this really isn't great either. I want some fire, some passion, some adventure, ambiguity, unknown to happen in my life.
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(no subject) [Jan. 6th, 2008|11:48 am]
changing seasons
well...its a new year! I haven't written out my new years resolutions yet, which I would like to do so that next year I can look back on them and remember them. Most of them arent really resolutions, they are just things that I would like to get done this year.
Spent new years in new york city with my best friend and it was amazing. Even when I was sick and sleeping the whole day, just being with her was awsome. i feel re-energized. I feel like I'm myself again and outgoing and just very centered. I really would like to keep that for the rest of the semester. That is one of my goals. To not stress out about school so much. I would just like to go to class, to work on homework, and then once I'm done with homework to just move on to my life and not let school take up every part of it. New years eve was awsome. spent it at a club with my best friend and a bunch of her friends and their friends and we just danced and did kareokee and drank and it was a good time. I met a guy who was kinda a jerk, but i'm trying to get over it. No real harm was done so its not really a big deal.

I've been traveling on every single mode of transportation ever made the last three days: plane, train, nyc subway, the l train in chicago, bus...it has been exhausting. and now i'm finally home back here in e.lansing which is...nice. I'm not back in my room yet, I have been crashing in people's houses/couches for the past week, and it will be so nice to be in my room and get my stuff out of these cramped suitcases and in the spots where they belong. I am really looking forward to seeing people here again, all of my friends. That's why I feel like this is my home. I feel like I have a network here with people that I don't have back in milwaukee anymore.

Random things have been coming into my head lately. I had a dream about a guy that I thought I had moved on from and didn't care about. It's so weird how dreams can stir up things in your subconsciousness that you don't even think about anymore and you think is out of your mind completely. It was a good dream too..which just makes me all kinds of confused.
On top of that, I have been thinking about arizona a lot too. And i think I want to move there when I get out of school. I don't know what I am going to do there or where I'm going to live or what money I'll have, I just know that out of all of this mix-up, that was when I was the most centered and happiest. Maybe its cause becky was there, maybe its just because everything fit into place so nicely... i don't really know. but there is just this part of me that longs for it and misses it so much.

i'm trying to fix my summer together now. I feel like i have to or i will be stuck with nothing. I think I am going to stay in east lansing for most of it...which I am really excited about because I think a lot of people will be staying here. But i'm thinking that I might want a car while I'm here because I hate not having that kind of transportation. I also got accepted to study abroad in brussels, which I am kind of excited about. but its expensive...i don't know if i can afford it all... and i'm not even sure If i 100% want to go. I am a little bit afraid of study abroad. Not really..."afraid" like i'll die kinda thing, but afraid that I will go somewhere, really love it and then be even more depressed to come back. Either that, or I will totally be loving my life in e.lansing and then i will have to leave it for a month and that will be really hard. If I'm not having a good time then shit, I will be all up for going to brussels, but I won't know until I get closer to the time and I have to decide now.

I really hope things fall together for me this semester. Last semester was just....horrible. terrible. Just really really bad. And i worked so hard, and i still couldn't pull my grades together. I just feel like I need more things to go right in my life, more things to fall in my favor. I really want to meet a guy who I can be with. I kinda want it to be the guy I had the dream about, but I don't know if that will happen...things are kind of complicated between us. Even if things in my life aren't going well...I want to be in such a place where I can be happy with what is going on and still be able to handle things and deal with bad things as they come up. It's not like i'm looking for the perfect life, I just want to be happy and centered so that I can take whatever is in my life with "equipoise". :)
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(no subject) [Dec. 1st, 2007|03:25 pm]
changing seasons
do you ever just take a second and get like really depressed because it seems like nothing in your life is going quite the way you wish it would? I have a paper that...as always, I should have been working on earlier then just the weekend before its due. I have a guy at work who I am head over heels for who hasn't got a clue and i am stressing out about it because i cannot just ask this guy out. I feel like I am always the one out of my friends who is trying to get things together. I'm going to a party tonight where I don't know very many people and is way far out in the boonies....with no hot guy there, so that just makes it a lot less fun. I still have two weeks before I get to go home for christmas break. I'm about to go to work and its gonna be super busy and everyone is going to be in a pissy mood because of it...i will be right next to the guy who i can't get out of my head and will still not be able to work up the nerve to ask him out. nothing really to look forward to in the near future. i can't make a decision about the summer...where i want to go abroad and what i want to do. i feel like i have to start making decisions now that are going to be in place for the rest of my time here at state and i have to do it exactly right to save money. ugh i just DO NOT care anymore. whats the point of working this hard if your not even enjoying it?
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(no subject) [Nov. 11th, 2007|01:26 am]
changing seasons
[music |DO IT WELL- JLO]

so you know when you have a crush on someone....theres such a high everytime you see them. but then you get to a point after a while, where having the crush actually is painful. Like, you want to see them, but then you are frustrated about it because you know that seeing them in person will only increase your feelings and that it will make you more frustrated that you aren't with them. and then its like, when you are out, you see other guys who look like them a little bit and then you just start thinking about them. i'm at this point where i just want him to start being an ass to me so that i can convince myself that i don't like him anymore. cause its getting painful. i just want to move on from it and start looking elsewhere....but what do i do instead? pick up other shifts so that I can work with him and see him and flirt with him...IDIOT. the thing that is painful is that i dont think he sees me in a dating kind of way...and i don't know how to get him to start looking at me like that. i seriously just want to be mean so him and have him be like, whats wrong? and be like...YOU and not asking me out!

i just want to hang out with him outside of work one time. just hang out with all of the guys who i work with, they seem like a fun group to go out with and drink with and hang out with...but no, i'm not 21 so i'm not goign to get an invite to the bar. this is getting ridiculous, i just want to scream it at the top of my lungs and just move on from it. i can't just keep letitng this sit and sit and increase every time i work with him...AHH. come on joe, pick up on the hints and either start being a complete jerk so that you stop leading me on or ask me out. either/or...but this is just getting painful.
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(no subject) [Nov. 8th, 2007|11:47 pm]
changing seasons
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]

so besides my crazy mystery health problems, things are going pretty good. It seems like school has definetly settled down for the first time all year. I'm a little bit scared about it, so i am trying to stay busy and find things to do so that I can stay ahead and not freak out like I did around midterms. My mood has definetly stabalized...and i don't know if thats cause of the pill or because of external events. But then again, the pill is bringing about all of these stomach problems also, so I dont' really know.

I feel like i'm in a really crazy mood latley, where I just want to go out dancing and go partying and what not. I want to hang out with friends, and have crazy adventures etc. Whenever I hear a crazy up-beat song, I think about Becky and I over the summer in Arizona when we would go crazy in the car listening to pump music and be acting like gangstas...even though we were totally white preppy girls. It was so much fun. I am so excited to see her over new years! We have all of these things that we want to do together, and I think it will be a lot of fun and just a nice change of pace. I love when I'm with her, we just get into these crazy situations and our personalities are really similar, but shes so awkward around people and i'm totally confrontational...so we make a really interesting combination. And then I come back here and then we have the employee party, which I need to find an ID for so that I can go out to the bars afterwards. Thats the only chance I have to get with Joe somehow...although I am hoping that something can happen before that. I feel like he just thinks that i'm not interested in him because hes a smoker and i'm too much of a good girl...which I guess is normally pretty true, but i would be willing to try it with him because hes got such a great personality and i love hanging out with him. There are just so many perfect opportunities for him to ask me out, and he doesn't! And its just like...come on, you flirt with me, and I would ask you out if I knew that you liked me, but if you really liked me, you would ask me out....so what is going on here? I think i'm going to talk to someone at work about him and see if that helps at all...probably won't, but we'll see.

My life has just been a little bit dull latley...I was really looking forward to last weekend, but then my stomach went crazy and decided to explode on me after 2 hours of drinking...NOT COOL. So hoepfully, this weekend will be better...even though I feel like everyone is going home this weekend and nothing really is going on. I want somethign exciting to happen.

Thats another thing, ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE NOW 21. so its like...they go and do their own things at the bars, and then i'm just here and not too many house parties are going on anymore. So they all go off and have a good time with their little 21+ click and here I am, doing nothing but writting on my live journal. thats pretty lame. I have three months left, which really does not seem that long compared to the fact that I have waited 20 years already...but it still is just not very good timing seeing as how I need to be 21 around new years. And then when I try to talk to people about getting a fake ID, they are all really shaddy about it, and everyone knows someone, but they can't get it from them...or something crazy like that. I think the best bet is to find someone who looks exactly like me so that it is a real ID, but just not really mine. but then you have to get them to go to the DMV and get another ID...which I would be willing to pay for and even pay more for their time to go and do it, but come ON! help a girl out here. I am so left out with everyone :( and they are all graduating after next semester, so basically I have like 3 months where everyone is 21. good times. and then everythings up in the air for next year and over the summer...have no idea what i'm going to do. And I am supposed to sign up for apartments, but I might be studying abroad or doing something else...i don't know. All i know is that i am NOT being a mentor next year. NO WAY JOSE.

I just want to hang out with my friends, have a good time, meet some fun guys and just...LET LOOSE. now that I actually have the time and energy to let loose...nothing is going on.

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(no subject) [Nov. 4th, 2007|08:12 pm]
changing seasons
dear god-

can i please get a fake ID (That works!)


turn 21 tomorrow??

That is all.
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